The Five Love Languanges by Gary Chapman

I enjoyed reading “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman and I highly recommend it as your next “self-help” style book. The ideas presented by the book are original and insightful, and have proven to be of great worth to me. This book is so good, in fact, that it deserves a place in everyone’s library.

First some history on why I chose to read this book. It was given to me probably 6 or 7 years ago by someone I am close to, but after discussing the book with this someone it seemed to me that they wanted me to read this so that I would see a justification for them cheating on their spouse. I wanted nothing to do with the book from that point on. It is likely that I still would not have read the book, but the someone passed away this past year, and I was able to finally “forgive” the book for being (to me) a symbol of their disloyalty to their spouse. Having read the book I can see that there is certainly no way anyone can justify using the principles of the book as reasons to cheat.

The ideas of this book are probably the only truly original ideas in improving relationships that I’ve read since reading “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus” by John Gray, which is interesting in part because they share the same copyright date (1992). The ideas presented revolve around the five “love languages,” which are Acts of Service, Physical Touch, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts and Words of Affirmation. All five are presented as having some importance, but the author claims that everyone has one of these “languages” that is their primary need in a relationship. These languages are prefaced by a description of the “falling in love” experience and why it seems to go away. The author argues that “falling in love” is a wonderful experience that serves to bring people together and cause the propagation of mankind but is mostly accomplished without conscious choices, whereas loving someone beyond the 2 years or so that the “in love” feeling lasts is a constant choice. This assessment is very well supported by the author as well as by my own experience in my eleven years of marriage. Also, the chapter on finding the love languages of your children provides a great framework for seeking to show affection to your kids in ways that they will be most open to accepting. My wife and I still discuss the ideas in this chapter on children’s love languages regularly.

I am very grateful that I was able to read “The Five Love Languages” right after it was read by my wife. Being able to discuss this book together has lead to several positive revelations in our marriage. For example, I enjoy some extravocational activities that take a lot of time away from home to accomplish. In times that I’ve participated in these activities my wife has been frustrated and felt that I was choosing these activities because I didn’t like her and didn’t want to be around her. From this, we assumed that if I just spent more time at home she would feel better, but even as my time with her increased, she did not feel more loved. I abandoned the extravocational activities altogether, and even limited my work hours for a time, and it seemed that things were getting worse. This was extremely frustrating for both of us. It seemed that when I was away that all she wanted was for me to be home, but when I was home it seemed that all she wanted was for me to leave her alone. After reading the different descriptions of the love languages, we both have come to the conclusion that what she wants is NOT quality time, but rather acts of service. She was frustrated when I was trying to spend quality time with her, because what she really wanted was for me to help with the sweeping, the dishes, the laundry, cleaning toilets, vacuuming, yard work, changing diapers, kids’ baths – all things I was neglecting so that I could spend more time with her. I’ve been focusing on doing service to show my affection since this discovery, and it has made a big difference in both her feelings about my desire to participate in activities outside the home, as well as my own frustrations because now I understand how I can prioritize my time when I’m home to help her feel that I do love her. I’ve also finally been able to accept that when she does acts of service for me, it is not because she thinks I am incompetent or unwilling to do the tasks, but rather she is just showing her affection in a way that is natural to her. These changes in my attitude and perception may seem simple and obvious, but to me they were life changing.

This is a book that should be available to you on a bookshelf in your home. It is not a thorough psychological explanation of the concepts that are presented, but the book is very well organized for understanding the concepts, and the examples given lend a great deal of support from the author’s experiences that are easy to read and digest. This book can be valuable to everyone regardless of experience, religion or state of relationship if you are willing to contemplate and apply the principles that are given.

“The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman, is a book you should read and own. The concepts in the book give some of the best advice on showing love that I’ve ever come across, and it is full of truly original and well supported ideas on how to improve your relationship with your loved ones, be it spouse, children or anyone else. In my own experience I’ve found the book to be an extremely valuable resource that I continue to reference for ideas for showing affection to my wife in ways she will most appreciate it, and I’ve even been adapting the ideas at work to help make the “attaboys” more personal and enjoyable for my team members. You should take the opportunity to read this book; it will help you by revealing more choices for how you can show your love more effectively in your relationships.

The Catcher in the Rye by J. D. Salinger

I’ll try to keep this review brief, because I really did not enjoy reading this book. There are a few things, in retrospect, that I find redeeming about “The Catcher in the Rye” by J. D. Salinger, including that it does a good job putting you inside the mind of a person exhibiting traits consistent with mental disorder. With that in mind, this book is controversial enough (and short enough) that you should probably read it and form your own opinion.

I did not find this book to be pleasant reading. The number one reason I found reading this book to be laborious was due to the frequent use of “the name of the Lord thy God in vain.” (Exodus 20:7). Having to navigate through the text while trying to deal with the frequent betrayal of the third commandment made it difficult to relax and just read. I may have been able to get past that if the story was interesting, but it is rather boring and uninspiring. The characters all seem to be angry or hypocritical or both, without much difference between the characters. Granted, this may be on purpose because of the perspective of the narrator of the book. This leads to some qualities that, having completed my reading, I’ve determined that I liked.

“The Catcher in the Rye” is written from the perspective of Holden Caulfield, who appears in the text to be suffering from manic depression. This was the most interesting part of the book, and it didn’t really spark my interest until after I had finished reading. Even the use of God’s name in vain, along with other mild to moderate language used in the book exhibits as a symptom of the mental disorder. If “The Catcher in the Rye” has any real value, it may be in being able to see many of the traits of manic depression in a believable context.

A hidden gem in this book comes in the form of a teacher quoting Wilhem Stekel in the 24th chapter as he tries to communicate his concern as to the path Holden is taking in his life. The quote is, “the mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of the mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one.” This quote is embedded in the middle of one of the best arguments for pursuing education and the value of applying yourself therein that I have read, which culminates in the words “…nine times out of ten [brilliant and creative men who are educated and scholarly] have more humility than the unscholarly thinker.” This thought that knowledge in the mind of a brilliant thinker will mature into humility is an idea that has great merit, and certainly deserves contemplation. This is, at least, a good reason to read the 24th chapter.

There are also other reasonable arguments for why you should read this book. It does give an interesting perspective of the culture of New York in the 1950’s. Also, the narration of the story is very fractured, almost like reading many short stories along the central story’s path, but it always maintains forward momentum, which is different than other books I’ve read. If the main plot was interesting this bird-walking narrative style probably could have made the novel quite compelling. The lack of conclusion to the story would usually ruin a book, but in this case it fits the book well, which is another aspect that could have been quite compelling if the story was enjoyable. Furthermore, Holden’s contrast in feelings for his siblings compared to his feelings towards the rest of the world is actually very interesting, and again would be great support for a decent plot. I don’t know that these are great reasons to read the book, but they at least make the time spent reading not seem completely wasted.

I don’t recommend “The Catcher in the Rye” as a must read, but its notoriety alone probably makes it a book you should read. While you will probably not enjoy the book if your background is similar to mine, there are some aspects of the book that make it unique and interesting enough to warrant spending the time to read it.

One word of caution, however: If you want to express a negative opinion of the book, don’t do so without reading it first.