The Five Love Languanges by Gary Chapman

I enjoyed reading “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman and I highly recommend it as your next “self-help” style book. The ideas presented by the book are original and insightful, and have proven to be of great worth to me. This book is so good, in fact, that it deserves a place in everyone’s library.

First some history on why I chose to read this book. It was given to me probably 6 or 7 years ago by someone I am close to, but after discussing the book with this someone it seemed to me that they wanted me to read this so that I would see a justification for them cheating on their spouse. I wanted nothing to do with the book from that point on. It is likely that I still would not have read the book, but the someone passed away this past year, and I was able to finally “forgive” the book for being (to me) a symbol of their disloyalty to their spouse. Having read the book I can see that there is certainly no way anyone can justify using the principles of the book as reasons to cheat.

The ideas of this book are probably the only truly original ideas in improving relationships that I’ve read since reading “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus” by John Gray, which is interesting in part because they share the same copyright date (1992). The ideas presented revolve around the five “love languages,” which are Acts of Service, Physical Touch, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts and Words of Affirmation. All five are presented as having some importance, but the author claims that everyone has one of these “languages” that is their primary need in a relationship. These languages are prefaced by a description of the “falling in love” experience and why it seems to go away. The author argues that “falling in love” is a wonderful experience that serves to bring people together and cause the propagation of mankind but is mostly accomplished without conscious choices, whereas loving someone beyond the 2 years or so that the “in love” feeling lasts is a constant choice. This assessment is very well supported by the author as well as by my own experience in my eleven years of marriage. Also, the chapter on finding the love languages of your children provides a great framework for seeking to show affection to your kids in ways that they will be most open to accepting. My wife and I still discuss the ideas in this chapter on children’s love languages regularly.

I am very grateful that I was able to read “The Five Love Languages” right after it was read by my wife. Being able to discuss this book together has lead to several positive revelations in our marriage. For example, I enjoy some extravocational activities that take a lot of time away from home to accomplish. In times that I’ve participated in these activities my wife has been frustrated and felt that I was choosing these activities because I didn’t like her and didn’t want to be around her. From this, we assumed that if I just spent more time at home she would feel better, but even as my time with her increased, she did not feel more loved. I abandoned the extravocational activities altogether, and even limited my work hours for a time, and it seemed that things were getting worse. This was extremely frustrating for both of us. It seemed that when I was away that all she wanted was for me to be home, but when I was home it seemed that all she wanted was for me to leave her alone. After reading the different descriptions of the love languages, we both have come to the conclusion that what she wants is NOT quality time, but rather acts of service. She was frustrated when I was trying to spend quality time with her, because what she really wanted was for me to help with the sweeping, the dishes, the laundry, cleaning toilets, vacuuming, yard work, changing diapers, kids’ baths – all things I was neglecting so that I could spend more time with her. I’ve been focusing on doing service to show my affection since this discovery, and it has made a big difference in both her feelings about my desire to participate in activities outside the home, as well as my own frustrations because now I understand how I can prioritize my time when I’m home to help her feel that I do love her. I’ve also finally been able to accept that when she does acts of service for me, it is not because she thinks I am incompetent or unwilling to do the tasks, but rather she is just showing her affection in a way that is natural to her. These changes in my attitude and perception may seem simple and obvious, but to me they were life changing.

This is a book that should be available to you on a bookshelf in your home. It is not a thorough psychological explanation of the concepts that are presented, but the book is very well organized for understanding the concepts, and the examples given lend a great deal of support from the author’s experiences that are easy to read and digest. This book can be valuable to everyone regardless of experience, religion or state of relationship if you are willing to contemplate and apply the principles that are given.

“The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman, is a book you should read and own. The concepts in the book give some of the best advice on showing love that I’ve ever come across, and it is full of truly original and well supported ideas on how to improve your relationship with your loved ones, be it spouse, children or anyone else. In my own experience I’ve found the book to be an extremely valuable resource that I continue to reference for ideas for showing affection to my wife in ways she will most appreciate it, and I’ve even been adapting the ideas at work to help make the “attaboys” more personal and enjoyable for my team members. You should take the opportunity to read this book; it will help you by revealing more choices for how you can show your love more effectively in your relationships.